Social Skills for Kids

The Alert Program

The Alert Program for self regulation is a wonderful tool for kids (and adults) who struggle with managing their own level of attention. Throughout the day, kids are expected to adjust to the school schedule. They have to jump into the morning bright and attentive, while still sitting quietly and listening to the teacher, then move into socializing at recess, then sit right back down, up and down, all day long. And the demands don’t end with the school day. Kids today have homework, classes, practices and activities. The pace alone can make it hard for any kid to manage, and it’s especially difficult for those kids with ADHD. (A lot of kids on the autism spectrum fall into this category as well, even if they don’t have an official ADHD diagnosis.

The Alert Program was developed by Mary Sue Williams, OTR/L and Sherry Shellenberger, OTR/L to bring together ideas from sensory integration and present them in a way that’s concrete and easy for children to utilize. It was developed for kids, but has been adapted for teens and adults, and I find it useful for almost any age client.

You can learn more about the Alert program from their website, or the book “How Does Your Engine Run?” : A Leader’s Guide to the Alert Program for Self-Regulation.

East Bay Camps for Kids with Special Needs

My upstate New York family may be getting snowed on, but here in the Bay Area, it's spring, with daffodils and cherry blossoms, and that means it's not too early to starting thinking about summer activities for your kids. There are many summer camp programs and a lot of them are geared toward kids and teens with special needs, like autism, Asperger’s, ADHD or other social or emotional issues. Many of these programs fill up quickly, especially those for older campers and the counselor in training programs, and some camps offer a discount for early sign up. Here is a list of just a few, those I’ve heard about that might be worth checking into for your child. Please do your own research since I’m only reporting what others have told me, I’m not professionally or personally involved in any of them. And, if you are aware of other East Bay programs for the summer, please let me know. I’ll edit the post to include anything else I hear of.

Thanks to the members of eastbayautism@yahoogroups.com for your ideas. If you're ever trying to solve a problem and can’t quite come up with the right resource, this group is the place to go. Someone in this group of very helpful people always knows the answers.

Strawberry Canyon Blue Camp's Social Skills camp, on the UC Berkeley campus offers a program for kids with social skills deficits, grades 3 to 12. Younger kids are in groups with a leader, but take part in their activities along with the typical kids from the larger daycamp. For teenagers with special needs, the camp offers a counselor in training program, with focus on social skills as they relate to job skills.

Quest Camps in Alamo offers programs for campers from ages 6 to 18, with special responsibilities and programs for teen campers. They have daily activities, field trips and therapy.

Trails to Success offers their summer camp programs in Orinda. They also have a counselor in training program for teenagers.

Walnut Creek offers a summer therapeutic program through the city parks and recreation. We Care in Concord has also offered an autism summer camp, although I only found online information on the 2009 program. The Easter Seals Kaleidoscope program in Dublin offers an after school program, and I'm told they extend their schedule to longer days over the summer.

Sarah’s Science “This Land Is Your Land” camp is not designed specifically for special needs children, but the science and nature themes may be of interest to many kids. A mom told me that her son with Asperger’s really enjoyed the camp. Older campers can do more challenging projects, and there is a counselor in training program. The camp is located in San Ramon, Berkeley, and Oakland.

Tech Know How offers camps on computers, Legos and game design. Again, this camp is not designed specifically for kids with special needs, but it does match well with the interests of many kids on the spectrum, and a mom reported her child with Asperger's enjoyed it. They have locations throughout the Bay Area.

Using Television to Teach Teens Social Skills

Social skills get more subtle once kids reach high school, and that’s a time when many teens with autism, Asperger’s and ADHD really start to struggle with friends and peer relationships. Often, these kids have gone through the basic social skills training at school or in a social skills group when they were younger. By now, they want nothing more to do with a formal class, but they’re still missing out on some of the more subtle details.

I thought TV episodes might be a useful, fun way to help teens look at social signals. Although the plots of a lot of teen programs are pretty unrealistic, the situations more mature, and the conversations often more adult and introspective than teens really use, the settings are familiar, and the programs are something teens will relate to. They also tend to use body language, but in a bolder, broader way, which can be easier for teens on the spectrum to pick up on. Finally, because these scenes are online, you can watch and rewatch as many times as you want to catch the details, even muting the dialogue to shift focus to the nonverbals.

This week I’m looking at some personal space and nonverbal communication issues as illustrated by the show Glee. You can see these episodes on Hulu.com for free. Note to parents: some of you may object to the more mature themes in this program. I’ll be looking for other shows to comment on as well, but before banning the program, consider if this is something all the other kids at school are watching. Not having seen a popular show can make it hard for kids to fit in. You can watch together, and discuss issues, such as is this scenario realistic, or appropriate, or does this fit with your own values. (If you have a particular show that’s online that you’d like me to analyze, please comment here, or send me an email.)

In Glee, Season 1 Episode 9, Wheels, the show starts with scenes of cheerleading practice. Sitting alone in the bleachers is blonde Quinn, soon to be joined by tall, dark haired Finn. (If you’re new to this show, it might not be obvious from the ways they’re acting that these two are a couple.) Notice the tense body language. As Finn approaches, he doesn’t greet Quinn, he just sits down, at a distance that’s not typical for a dating couple having a one on one conversation. Quinn doesn’t turn to Finn, she doesn’t lean toward him or adjust her body posture, she barely even looks at him. Before anything is said, and without knowing anything about the plot, it’s clear that this pair is not feeling close and connected. Throughout their scene together, Quinn only turns her eyes or occasionally her face to Finn, never her shoulders or the rest of her body, a clear sign of discord between the pair.

Now look at Season 1, Episode 10, Ballad. The show starts with all the students sitting on the bleachers, spaced evenly with almost mathematical precision. (Your teen may not be aware of this spacing rule, but it’s pretty consistent in our culture. People tend to space themselves out fairly evenly, sitting closer to close friends, but not sitting next to strangers unless the space gets more crowded. Think about a movie theater. If it’s almost empty, sitting in adjacent seats is something only friends do. Strangers space themselves out. As the theater fills, it’s not threatening or inappropriate to sit next to strangers.) The exception to the Glee bleacher spacing, which may not be obvious to kids who don’t pick up on social cues, is Quinn and Finn, sitting together as a couple. Finn’s posture isn’t that different than in the previous episode, but now Quinn is leaning into Finn, almost draped on him. Clearly, she is in a different mood than the previous episode. Notice also that the rest of the students are angled slightly toward the center, indicating some cohesion, and friendship alliances can be gauged just by noting who is sitting together. When the teacher asks, “Who knows what a ballad is?” notice how Rachel immediately thrusts up her hand with too much enthusiasm. Can your child glean information about Rachel’s character from this simple action?

Well, I’ve watched about 5 minutes of TV, and written a full post on the details. What details can you and your teen pick up from body language?

Happy Holidays!

I’m taking the rest of the week off to celebrate the holidays. Before doing that, I wanted to thank all my readers, especially those who have commented on my blogs and followed me on Twitter. I’m so fortunate to get to work with all my wonderful clients, colleagues, and readers.

I especially want to thank all the parents who work so hard for their kids and allow me to be apart of their families' lives. I learn so much from you!

Happy Holidays!

Get That Final Paper Written

Now is the time of the school year when those big assignments loom in front of high school and college students. For those who struggle with executive function, such as individuals with Asperger’s, autism or ADHD,  getting the paper written can be especially daunting. Here are a few tips to get the assignment written. Depending on what’s keeping you from completing, or starting, the work, you may want to try just one tip, or all of them.

Organize Your Ideas

Putting things on paper can make your thoughts clearer. Don’t turn this into a big additional project! Grab a scrap of paper and a pencil, and jot down phrases.

Change How You’re Working

Typing and handwriting utilize the brain differently. If you’re stuck in one mode, try switching to the other. Even a different pen, color of paper, or new font can help rejuvenate your work.

Change Your Sensory Inputs

Your surroundings can impact how well you can focus. Sometimes music can distract you just enough that your brain focuses a bit better. Or, try chewing gum or drinking water. A quiet bedroom may be too quiet, and too easy to fall asleep in. Move to the family room, the student lounge or a coffee shop.

Explain Your Paper

Find someone to discuss your paper with. This can be a classmate working on a similar topic, or even a friend who knows nothing about your material. Putting ideas into actual spoken words can be an effective means of getting them in order.

Start with a Shorter Version

Long papers can be intimidating. Just remember that even a PhD thesis is only a group of pages, written one page at a time. If the assignment is for a 20 page paper, try starting with a 5 page paper. As you work on it, new ideas will come to you and the momentum will keep things going.

Another way to do this is to consider your long paper as a series of shorter papers. Devote a few pages to each idea and then put them together.

Start in the Middle

That first line can be the most intimidating of the whole project. You want it to grab attention, hook the reader. That can be a tough challenge when your ideas are still taking shape. So, put off that first line. Remember that you don’t have to write the paper in order. Of course you’re going to read it through to link your ideas and explain things clearly. If it’s easier to start in the middle, that’s fine.

Start With a Rough Draft

Managing spelling, vocabulary, grammar, writing sentences, organizing paragraphs and putting the whole project together into a brilliant composition is a lot to do a one time. It may be easier to break that down into single steps. Organize your ideas, then write the sentences, then tweak the paragraph structure, then punch up the vocabulary. Do a final check for spelling and grammar. Different parts of your brain are called into play in each task so breaking the job up can be more effective.

Just Do It

Finally, the best way to get that paper done is to just start it. Stop reading, stop researching, stop surfing the internet, definitely stop the video games, and just start writing. Right now!

Holiday Advice

The holidays are coming up and for a lot of people that means getting together with extended family and relatives you haven’t seen in a while. This can be a great chance to connect, feel supported, even show off a bit with all the progress your child has made.

But it can also mean unwanted advice. Your parents, your sister-in-law, your best friend from high school probably mean nothing but the best for you and your family. But they also may not have a special needs child and they may not understand what it is that your family is going through, or what your child needs.

So often I’ve heard the same story from clients. A well-meaning relative says something like, “If only you’d do _________, your kid wouldn’t do _______.” or “Trust me, your kid just needs more __________, and he wouldn’t be so _____________.” You can probably fill in the blanks, there’s a lot of advice out there.

The fact is, and I’ve said it before, some kids are just tougher to parent than others. Your nieces and nephews may just be incredibly easy-going children. It doesn’t mean that you are not also a good parent. Your child may just be wired differently, temperamentally more sensitive,  more strong-willed, or more emotional.

I’ve worked with so many different kids over the years. The truth is, some of them are so easy and low key, they practically parent themselves. Other kids are so difficult, it’s hard to manage them for just a brief while, much less an entire holiday vacation. Add in some travel time, late nights, too much stimulation, and it’s not surprising that things get out of hand.

So this holiday season, I’m asking you to trust yourself and the parenting skills you’ve developed by taking care of your child for all this time. Listen to the advice politely if you want to, but don’t think that any other parent is more capable than you are. Your child is lucky to have you as a parent.

I’m thankful for all my wonderful clients, parents, and readers! Happy Thanksgiving!

Book Review: No More Meltdowns by Jed Baker, Ph.D.

No More Meltdowns by Jed Baker, Ph.D. is an excellent resource for parents trying to deal with their child’s out of control behavior, whether the kids have a diagnosis or not. This book is straightforward, with a simple step by step plan for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. At the same time, there are plenty of detailed examples that show how to fit the simple plan to complex situations.

Certainly parenting is tougher when children have special needs, like an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Asperger’s or Attention Deficit (ADHD or ADD). And frequently these parents have to also deal with harsh judgment from the world every time their kids act up. Too often, parents are simply told to be firm, be consistent, take control, and their kids will behave. Well, what should parents do if they are firm and consistent, and it still doesn’t help? This book offers some solutions, and since the author has experience dealing with special needs kids, the ideas are realistic and practical for all families.

Baker acknowledges the basic rule of of child rearing, using consistent rewards and consequences. And that’s a good place for all parents to start. But he quickly moves beyond that to a four step plan of action for when this basic plan just doesn’t work. His model begins with accepting the child, then moves on to de-escalating a meltdown, understanding why the meltdowns are occurring in the first place and preventing future meltdowns.   

The real heart of the book is its detailed analysis to understand why meltdowns are occurring, and the techniques to set up a plan to prevent them in the future. Baker breaks down the different issues that might cause problems, then methodically explains how to change the triggers causing the tantrums, teaching the child skills to deal with the triggers, and how to set up a system of rewards and losses.

One thing I really appreciated in No More Meltdowns was the way that Baker exhibits respect and understanding of the children and parents in his examples. These aren’t presented as bad, out of control kids, with ineffective parents. Instead Baker acknowledges the difficulties of these tough situations and focuses on both short term crisis management and also long term skill building. This is a book I’ll be sure to recommend to my clients.

Playing Outside

Playing outside is one of the core experiences we all remember from childhood, but all too often it doesn’t happen for kids with special needs like Asperger’s, autism and ADHD. And that’s really a shame, because outdoor play is often the easiest way for all sorts of diverse personalities, abilities, and ages to interact.

School politics can get very specific, with each child interacting with only the chosen few in a social clique. Different ages, groups and genders rarely mix at school. But kids aren’t quite so particular when it comes to neighborhood play. A lot of that just comes from opportunity. In neighborhood play, there just aren’t so many kids to choose from. It’s not uncommon for neighbors who’d never talk at school to spend days together at home, having a great time. There’s nothing wrong with this. Schools can be about cliques, but home can be much more open. Not every neighborhood friend has to turn into a best friend at school.

The great thing about outdoor play is that it’s unstructured. There aren’t rules like there might be in team sports, there aren’t even goals or objectives. Kids can just run around, invent new games and be creative. And that’s where kids with ADHD and ASDs can really shine. Their creativity and energy may make these kids the highly sought after playmates.

Why don’t you give it a try? Make sure your children are spending some time in the front yard where the neighbors can find them. Pay attention to where other kids live. Then, maybe your child can take the plunge. Parents have to step back here, but it’s easy to coach your child. Just ring the doorbell, ask for the child and say something really basic like, “Hi, I’m Matthew. Do you want to come out and play?” That’s it. That may be all it take for your child to interact with peers, spend time outside, and probably have a great time.

Using Behavior Charts

Raising a child with special needs like an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Asperger’s, or Attention Deficit (ADHD or ADD) is a challenge, and too often parents don’t notice all the progress they’re making. Instead the situation seems overwhelming and hopeless, and it’s as if things will never get easier for your family. The reality is that these kids do make progress. But, progress may come slowly, or in a “two steps forward one step back” pattern that may obscure all the growth.  That’s where behavior charts can be so helpful.

Behavior charts can be a great tool for keeping track of how your child is doing. They can provide feedback to teachers, doctors or therapists, and most importantly, they’ll tell you, the parents, how things are going. Free behavior charts can be found all over the internet and you can download a basic, easy monthly behavior chart on my website as well. Just find something to suit your needs, one that won’t be too much effort to fill out, but will provide you with the information you need.

If your child is on medication, charting behavior is crucial. Psychiatrists and pediatricians are terribly overloaded and appointments can be brief and infrequent. Track your child’s behavior, sleep, and school results, and make note of any special circumstances. Did your child start a new medication, forget a dose, have a substitute at school? Write that down. Bring the chart to the doctor’s office so they can see exactly what’s going on. Prescribing medication is very difficult and you want your doctor to have all the information possible.

Sometimes it can be very helpful for your child to have a visual measure of his or her own progress. If the chart is being used as a motivator or to track rewards, it’s best to find something bright and colorful. There are many attractive charts online designed specifically for different ages. Teenagers are not too old to benefit from a behavior chart! They provide a visual, concrete image that can be much more meaningful than a generalized comment. Just avoid childish graphics, and consider displaying it in a more private location.

After the chart is filled out, please don’t throw it out! File it away in a drawer and look back at it once in a while. Years from now you may be amazed to see what issues you were dealing with and how far your child has come. (For a few examples of successful individuals with diagnoses of autism, Asperger's or ADHD, check out these earlier blogs. Ari Ne’eman is an autism advocate. John Elder Robison, Blake E. S. Taylor, and Zosia Zaks are all successful authors with various diagnoses. Read the comments from jypsy on her son and his running blog, as well as links to her You Tube videos.)

Are You Off to a Good Start with the School Year?

Here in the East Bay, most schools are in the second week of the new school year. It’s a stressful time, because everyone is dealing with a lot of change. This time of year can be especially difficult for kids with ASD’s like Asperger's or autism, or attention issues like ADHD or ADD. Routines are not yet established, teacher expectations are uncertain, and social issues are constantly changing. With all this going on, it really pays off to check in closely with your kids.

I worked with kids for years, both as a therapist and in the schools, and from this I know that the most proactive parents get the best results. It’s a hectic time of year, but a little extra effort now will pay off. In my experience, teachers and principals really are trying. But, budgets are tight, there may be misunderstandings, there are too many kids and not enough time. No one is as motivated to help your child as you are. Here are a few early check-in points.

1. Does Your Child Get the New Systems?

Homework, bringing home books, using the library, getting extra help, lunchtime routines. Every year the rules change a bit. It can be very confusing for any child. But, now is the time to make things clear. Maybe you can run through your child’s day and make sure there’s no confusion.

2. Are Friendships Starting Up?

I can’t stress enough that the beginning of the school year is when most kids shift friendships. It happens gradually, but the groundwork is being laid now. Help your child maneuver through these confusing changes. Just talking about it can help make things clear. Teachers can be a great resource when there are problems.

3. Monitor the Situation

Are there potential issues showing up early? Maybe you won’t want to do anything, but just pay attention to it. Or, if the problem is severe, catching it early can allow you to make a quick fix, like a classroom transfer that won’t be possible in a few months.

Of course, you shouldn’t be combative with the school, after all they are responsible for your child for hours every day. But that doesn’t mean you can’t track things carefully. Jot down private notes if you’re uneasy about a school situation. If things get worse, you’ve got some data, and if the problem goes away, no harm done. Too often, I see parents frustrated by months of difficulties, and only then do they start to document the details. An entire school year can be lost when that happens.

Pretty soon, things will settle into a routine and it's going to be a lot easier!