Coach for Asperger's

Social Skills for Adults

This blog has moved! I'll be leaving it up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Frequently, kids on the autism spectrum attend social skills classes. There, kids are taught the basics of getting along with others, things like making good eye contact, respecting others' personal space, the rules of give and take in conversation. Usually, after a few months or sometimes a couple of years of these sessions, the members move on to other activities and social skills training formally ends. (When I talk with adults with ASDs, they often complain bitterly about how much they hated these classes and how they didn’t learn what they needed from them.)

But we all, kid or adult, need good social skills to get along with others, and everyone needs to have supportive relationships. That requires a lot more than the basics taught in children’s social skills classes. So how can adults on the spectrum improve their social skills?

Sometimes, adults are lucky enough to find a support group where they can interact with others who might be willing to practice some skills, give honest feedback, or even just be patient with those whose social skills might be a bit off. If you’re lucky enough to live near one of these groups they can be a great source of both support and a learning environment. Other adults find a partner or close family member who can help with interpreting the more precise situations. For many adults on the spectrum, a parent, sibling, or partner really functions as a social skills coach. (For an example of this, read Mozart and the Whale, reviewed in a previous post, where a married couple, both with Asperger’s, demonstrate how they use their relationship to improve their skills. Each learns to pay attention to the other’s signals, manage their tempers and respect each other’s boundaries throughout the course of their relationship.)

For people without the advantages of close relationships, there are still ways to learn these skills. One option is to hire a coach or therapist. These professional relationships are specifically designed to provide that detailed feedback in a safe setting. It can be very different from interacting in a give and take two way friendship. But not everyone is comfortable about working with a professional, and that’s where books can help.

Michael Yapko’s Depression Is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It is all about how social relationships are crucial in preventing depression. Yapko argues that our modern culture is failing us with its emphasis on instant gratification, personal fulfillment, technology and acquisition, all at the expense of good relationships with others. Throughout the book, Yapko presents the skills he finds most important in establishing and maintaining good relationships, things like setting good personal boundaries, analyzing character before starting relationships, and how to manage conflict. The book has little self help exercises throughout, called “Learn by Doing” and “Pause and Reflect” where the reader can actually work on these skills individually. Although it’s not referred to as such, this book is really the closest thing I’ve read that could be considered a “Social Skills Book for Adults”. If you’re looking for a way to improve your relationships, get along better with others, and manage both personal and professional interactions, check out a copy of Depression Is Contagious.

Book Review: Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story

Note 11/3/10: Please visit this post and others on my new blog: Thrive on the Autism Spectrum. Coach for Asperger's is still online, but not updated regularly.

Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story, by Jerry and Mary Newport, with Johnny Dodd, is a sometimes hilarious, often heartbreaking, but ultimately inspiring story of a couple who never really fit in, until they met each other. Jerry Newport is the author of several earlier books, and he’s been quite active in the Asperger community, even starting the support group where he met his future wife.

Both Jerry and Mary Newport relate the stories of their own difficult childhoods, growing into adults who struggle with relationships, underemployment, and social isolation. Jerry’s portrayal is engrossing for many reasons, not the least of which is his unique way of viewing the world through numbers. In spite of his mathematical genius, Jerry struggles to find a career that uses his skills in any way, and frequently has to make a living through less challenging jobs, and admits to having no concept of how to relate to women.

Mary’s story is less typical, and often truly tragic. So often, Asperger’s is thought of as a male diagnosis, and women on the spectrum are overlooked. Mary Newport, as so often happens with Asperger’s women, does manage to have relationships, although they fall into the realm of dysfunctional, often abusive, and sometimes bizarre.

The framework of the book, and the real soul that makes the story so is compelling, is the couple’s relationship, their struggles to connect and understand each other, and their commitment to support each other and grow. They often don’t fit the norms society may expect, but Mozart and the Whale is inspirational.

Married to Someone with Asperger’s?

Note: Added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

A lot of people, usually women, call me because they suspect or wonder if their partner or spouse might have Asperger’s or autism. They might be looking for a way to understand, a solution to a specific problem, or a way to “fix” their partner. (If you’re wondering, no I can’t fix your partner, that would be like trying to fix my left-handedness. Asperger’s is a neurological and behavioral difference, not something to be fixed -  which doesn’t mean that all couples can’t learn to communicate and relate to each other in a healthier way.)

There are many reasons a person would choose to be involved in a romantic relationship with an individual on the autism spectrum. Often the autistic partner is more reliable, honest and steady, there’s usually a relief since there’s so much less game playing. A lot of men with Asperger’s seem to really see the woman for who she is, not being drawn in to the cultural limitations that women must fit a certain mold. And of course, the intellectual depth can be very appealing.

At the same time, autism and Asperger’s really do involve a different way of seeing the world and dealing with it, especially socially, in the context of relationships. This fact can mean real difficulties within marriages. All marriage counselors quickly see that the very things that draw a couple together in the first place are the same things that really bother them later on. The strength of Asperger’s that draw a couple together can also pull them apart.

For those neurotypical spouses and partners looking for support, GRASP has an new online group. GRASP, The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership, has a number of local support groups, primarily on the East Coast, as well as online support groups for various Asperger’s related issues. One of the great strengths of GRASP is its strong support of adults on the spectrum, as well as the focus on having autistic individuals running the organization. If you’re a neurotypical partner of an individual on the spectrum, why don’t you check out this new group?

Asperger’s, Sex and Sensory Issues

Note: Added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Asperger’s and sex is the phrase most frequently searched for on this blog. I’ve written a bit on the topic of Asperger's, autism and sex, as well as posted an interview with a Bay Area sex therapist. But I suspect there’s a large group of current and potential readers looking for more information. I think a lot of readers want dating information, but even more are interested in help specifically about sexual relationships. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot published on the topic.

One issue of concern to many adults with Asperger’s and autism is Sensory Processing Disorder, also called Sensory Integration Dysfunction or sensory or tactile defensiveness. And of course, sensory problems could easily impact sexual matters.

Recently, I posted a blog review of the book Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World, by Sharon Heller, Ph.D. (2002, Harper-Collins). The book covers many topics, but it also has some information specifically on the impact of sensory defensiveness on sex.

Sensory integration is not an area where I have any training, but if you’re interested in learning more on this topic, check out the book for some specifics, or talk to an Licensed Occupational Therapist who works with adults.

GLBT and on the Autism Spectrum?

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

A lot of people ask me for info on support groups, social groups or discussion groups. Sometimes I can help them, especially if it’s something fairly common, like locating a parent support group for local parents with kids on the spectrum. But it seems like it gets tougher and tougher to find a group as the potential members get older. There are a lot fewer groups for teens or adults, and if the group is for multiple special issues it can really get difficult. That’s why I was pleased to find that GRASP is starting a new online discussion group for teens and adults within the GLBT community.  

Please check out the GRASP website for info on their latest support group: the GRASP GLBT Network. GRASP defines this group as a “discussion group for adults and teens who are on the autism spectrum and members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning community.”

Coping With Shyness - Guest Blogger Sylvia Meier, MFT

Today's post about dealing with shyness was written by my colleague Sylvia Meier, MFT. Sylvia has a private psychotherapy practice in Dublin, CA, and runs groups for single women who want to develop more social skills, and to start dating. You can learn more at her website.

Although shyness and Asperger's or autism are different, they have many issues and emotions in common. In both cases, it can be stressful or even nerve-racking to step out of your comfort zone and become more social. But, for many individuals, especially those who are feeling lonely, meeting friends, or even a romantic partner, can be their goal. I thought Sylvia's advice might be helpful for these people. 

Coping with Shyness, By Sylvia Meier, MFT

There is great pressure these days to be extroverted and bubbly.  It can be a painful experience to be introverted when you want to meet people to date.  Take a few risks out of your shell and meet new people. 

Being shy has its pluses.  Many shy people I know are excellent listeners, thoughtful and great companions.  Stretch yourself without losing your sense of self.  Create opportunities to meet new people.  Stay sure about who you are and meet a partner who loves your introspection. 

Some symptoms of anxiety in social situations:
-blushing
-heart pounding
-"butterflies" in the stomach
-strong feelings of uncertainty
-difficulty carrying on a conversation

This anxiety is sometimes brought on by:
-lack of confidence
-not feeling "good enough"
-negative thoughts
-fear of the unknown
-lack of practice in social situations
-previous experiences
-unresolved conflict or trauma

Learn to relax.  When you notice that your muscles are tightening, tension is building, loosen up.  Focus on breathing and letting go of tightness. 

Try meditation or yoga.  Think of a special place that is calming for you.  Remember that quiet beach you strolled on when you were on vacation?  Do you have a memory of a secret garden from childhood?  How about that waterfall during a spring hike in the mountains?  Whatever your special place is, go there daily for several minutes.   Anchor this spot in your mind so that you can access it during stressful, social situations.

Acknowledge your anxiety.  The physiological symptoms are real.  Shy people have to work hard to manage the physical stress caused from feeling nervous..  In the beginning, it may seem like you have no control.  With practice, in time, you can learn to manage the physical reactions.

If you've made a conscious effort and you're still struggling, therapy might be worth a try.  A good therapist can help you to work through any unresolved issues that are getting in the way.

Asperger’s and Dating: Getting Started Later in Life

Note: Added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

For many adults, dating and finding a romantic partner are important goals, and this is true for those with Asperger’s and autism as well as those without. But often, those on the autism spectrum may have gotten off to a slower start on dating. The high school social scene, when many neurotypical teens first start dating, can be horribly complex and not open to anyone who doesn’t fit into the popular crowd’s most narrow definition of acceptable behavior. High schoolers on the autism spectrum may be quirky, or dealing with bullies, or just not ready to enter into an activity that is so socially complex. Then, after high school, it can be even more difficult because it seems like the rest of the world is so much more experienced with dating. The older you get without dating, the tougher it may seem to get started. But, the good news is, if you’re wanting to start dating, it’s never too late to begin. Below are some tips for how to start dating, even if you’re no longer anywhere close to high school age.

Of course, the first step in starting to date is to find a date. This is actually probably easier than you might imagine. Remember, you’re looking for a date, not a spouse. So you can settle for a person you enjoy talking to or spending time with, this doesn’t have to be that perfect ‘one’ person. Consider expanding your ideal criteria. Maybe you envision yourself only involved with an extremely attractive, or brilliant, or successful individual. But, if you’re only setting up a date here, you can relax your standards. Many people whom you’d never consider marrying can be lot of fun to talk to on a date. Who knows, you may even change your standards.

Meeting people gets easier all the time. If you struggle in more unstructured settings, like bookstores and coffee shops, it’s fine to go to practical meeting places, things like speed dating or the internet. There, you can be assured that the people you’re meeting are looking to meet others. If you’re inexperienced with dating, it’s probably best to avoid asking out coworkers, neighbors or people you’ll continue to see a lot of after the date. Misread social cues can mean a long term awkwardness with people you have to interact with well after the date.

Of course, safety is key. It you’re an individual who struggles with reading social signals, assume that you might have difficulty in determining if situations are safe. Have your date in a public, well lit place, make sure you bring a phone and a friend knows where you are. Don’t give out your address or too many personal details. Plan in advance about how long the date will be, and then stick to that plan. You don’t want to get carried away with a charming stranger. Finally, and most important, trust your instincts. If something feels off, listen to yourself.

Your first dating experiences are bound to be somewhat awkward. Relax, this doesn’t have to be a lifelong romance. See if you can just think of this date as a way to get more experience with dating.   You don’t have to share your lack of dating experience with the person you’re chatting with, just keep it light. Talk about things you have in common, and try to learn general things about your date, things like where they’re from, what they like about the place they’re currently living, interesting hobbies. Also, plan on keeping it short. An afternoon coffee date is a lot less pressure than a full night of dinner and a movie. If it’s easier, consider setting your first date up as an activity, like touring a museum, taking a hike, visiting the beach. These activities can also take a lot of pressure off carrying on a lengthy conversation.

Finally, try to have fun! Dating can be the way to meet a spouse, or find the love of your life. But it can also be a pleasant way to interact with another person, and enjoy a Saturday afternoon.

Asperger’s and Sex

Note added 4/9/10: For more on the topic of Asperger's and Sex, see all my blog posts on my new blog Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Guess what’s the most popular search term for this blog? OK, I kind of gave it away in the title of this post, but not surprisingly, more people come to this blog through the keywords “Asperger’s” and “sex” than anything else. In October 2008, I posted an interview with Isadora Alman, a Board certified sexologist and a California licensed psychotherapist and counselor. Are you surprised that it was my most popular post? Clearly, people want information on Asperger’s, autism and sexuality.

As a licensed therapist and professional coach, I want to direct people to helpful, reputable information. We all know that the internet is filled with  misinformation and websites of dubious reputation. So where can individuals on the autustic spectrum get good information? As Isadora Alman said in my earlier post, “The Internet is full of misinformation, it's true. Anyone can post anything. Unfortunately, there also exist people with degrees who may act unethically or have their own agendas, but usually membership in an accredited institution such as the American Medical Association or the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists is a fairly reliable endorsement.  The very best endorsement is a referral from someone you know and trust who has used that person's services before.  Ask around.  Ask other professionals you trust to recommend someone. Sometimes the same name comes up as a resource from several sources.  That's a good indication that this person is respected in his or her field.”

I also recommend turning to respected books for information. On my other blog, Social Skills for Kids, Sarah Attwood discusses her book Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger’s Syndrome. (Jessica Kingsley, 2008) This book is aimed at adolescents, but it’s incredibly detailed and complete, and can be useful for any adult who missed out on learning all the facts, things like contraception and sexual language, as well as issues around relationships.

In The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, (Jessica Kingsley, 2007) Tony Attwood specifically addresses several areas regarding sexuality, such as pornography and the impact of tactile sensitivity on sexual relationships. He references M. Aston’s Asperger’s in Love (Jessica Kingsley, 2003) and I. Henault’s Asperger’s Syndrome and Sexuality. (Jessica Kingsley, 2005) (I haven’t read these books yet, so I can’t comment on them.)

In Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults (Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2006) Zosia Zaks doesn’t focus on sexual education, but she does discuss the more relational aspects, such as dating, internet dating, safety, and appropriate behaviors. More about this book can be found on a previous post on this blog.

I’ll be posting more about Asperger’s, autism, sex and relationships on this blog, so check in frequently, or sign up for my blog feed.

Asperger’s, Relationships and the Holidays

The holidays can be a tough time of the year for adults and teens with Asperger’s. There’s a focus on parties, relationships, social interaction. The days get shorter and the weather gets colder. (At least here in the northern hemisphere.)  Sometimes people may find they’re really getting a case of holiday blues, or worse depression.

First off, although I’m a mental health professional, I don’t do therapy over the internet and this blog is not intended as medical advice. If you’re feeling depressed, really down, or a danger to yourself or others, please contact a professional, right away!

Just feeling a little less upbeat than usual? There are things you can do to feel better. First off, it’s a great idea to re-evaluate your holiday plans. Are you focusing on obligations or what you really want to do?  Try to reward yourself after you take part in that undesirable but obligatory family dinner  or work lunch. Think about the things you love to do, your special interests, a hike through the woods, cooking a favorite meal. Whatever you love, be sure to leave time for that too, not just what other people like.

Realize that you may be a lot more introverted than those around you. A true extrovert loves parties and will feel energized and renewed after attending or hosting a party. But, if you’re more introverted, you need to give yourself plenty of alone time too. Schedule time for yourself just like you’d schedule in other events.

There’s a great deal of pressure in our society to be a part of a couple. It can be especially tough to be single during the holidays. Be good to yourself, just the way you’d expect a partner to treat you. Some people can have a great time by joining in with a group of platonic friends. Others want to be alone, and that’s fine. If you’re spending New Year’s Eve on your own,  you can still treat yourself to a great meal, a favorite movie, or something else that makes the night feel special.

Take some time to review the past year. What great things have you accomplished this year? Pay attention to little triumphs too, they can really add up. Where do you want to be next year? It’s important to take some private time to take stock and set some new goals.

However you spend your holidays, I hope they’re special to you.

Asperger’s and Sex: A Conversation

Noted added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving this older blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on sex and relationships, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum. 

In an effort to keep this blog fresh and informative, I’m starting a new feature today. Periodically, I’ll be posting a “conversation” with other individuals who I think may be of interest to adults with Asperger’s and autism. If you’d like to contribute to a future conversation, please email me at patricia@patriciarobinsonmft.com. Maybe I can interview you on this blog next!

Sex is a topic that isn't frequently discussed in connection to Asperger's Syndrome. There are a few books and several websites, but in general, I think sex is often an issue that gets overlooked. In the book Asperger’s From the Inside Out, author Michael John Carley discusses how issues around sex can be difficult for many adults with Asperger’s. (p. 110) Sensory issues, inadequate sex education, and difficulties with social skills can all contribute to problems in establishing and maintaining a healthy adult sex life. Therefore, I thought this topic would be a good place to turn to an expert.

Today I’m conversing with Isadora Alman, a Board certified sexologist and a California licensed psychotherapist and counselor. She’s the author of "Ask Isadora," a syndicated advice column on sex and relationships, which appears in newsweeklies nationwide, as well as the Sexuality Forum website.

Patricia Robinson: For starters, can you please explain exactly what a Board certified sexologist is, and how they work with clients?

Isadora Alman: As you know, the state of California licenses people helpers of several sorts: psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists.  All have their areas of expertise in people helping.  There is no licensing for those who make sexuality their specialty so there are several professional organizations such as the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and The American Board of Sexology who review the professional experience and expertise of those who do specialize and give them certification.

A sex therapist or a sexologist (one who studies sexuality) will be knowledgeable in relationships and in sexuality because one generally takes place within the context of the other.  I might work with clients who have little or no sexual knowledge or experience, making referrals and offering resources to gain know-how and confidence.  If a client's sexual expression is not as satisfying as it might be, I will work with him or her in making suggestions to improve knowledge and skill.  And, since communication is a very important part of finding a partner and enjoying sexual expression, I will also help with that.

Patricia Robinson: I think lack of sexual experience and lack of confidence can be common issues for adults on the autism spectrum, maybe those who didn't get to experience dating and relationships when they were younger. How would you help a client who feels less experienced than peers?

Isadora Alman: For social skills I don't think there's anything better than a mixed (men and women) support or therapy group.  There's is almost always one nearby anywhere in the Bay Area.  There one can get information, support and feedback from others without going on an actual "date" until s/he is ready.

In matters of sexuality I strongly recommend educational explicit films put out by folks like the Sinclair Institute that show and teach all manner of sexual expression.  I recommend a massage course to learn how to touch and be touched.  I recommend weekend workshops such as the Human Awareness Institute's "Love, Sex & Intimacy".  If a client would like, I can also make a referral to a sexual surrogate partner of either sex to learn hands on skills.

Patricia Robinson: There is so much information on sex on the Internet, and there are many different types of people to work with. (Therapists, medical doctors, sexologists, surrogate partners.) How can my readers be sure that they're getting good, educational and ethical information and help, and not just wandering into a misleading or exploitive situation?

Isadora Alman: The Internet is full of misinformation, it's true. Anyone can post anything. Unfortunately, there also exist people with degrees who may act unethically or have their own agendas, but usually membership in an accredited institution such as the American Medical Association or the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists is a fairly reliable endorsement.  The very best endorsement is a referral from someone you know and trust who has used that person's services before.  Ask around.  Ask other professionals you trust to recommend someone. Sometimes the same name comes up as a resource from several sources.  That's a good indication that this person is respected in his or her field.

Patricia Robinson: Isadora, thanks so much for talking to me on this topic. I’m sure this is an article that will be useful to many of my readers.