Coach for Asperger's

Too Much Information

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

A frequent issue for those struggling with social skills is the question of how much to share. How long should your answer to the question last? How many reasons should you give if you’re late? What private information should you share with others?

Of course, the answer, as always, is that it depends. But, I not going to leave you with that. There are basic rules, and clues that you can read. For example, a standard answering machine message is set to record a standard message. If you always run to the end of the time limit, that’s a good clue that you’re talking too long. A voice mail or answering machine is set up to take basic information. Your name, your number, a brief reason why you’re calling. Maybe, to make life easy for the other end, you can repeat your name and number. Don’t give a bunch of reasons, don’t share all the details, don’t have the conversation without the other end there to listen.

It’s the same with emails. Take a look at a series of back and forth email correspondence. Is your answer always the long one? Does your email go to auto shutdown when you’re writing? It’s an email, not a thesis.

If you’re speaking face to face, the clues are a bit more direct, and easy to read once you know how. If your listener is nodding, saying things like “um-hum” or “yeah” that’s a good clue that they’re listening. If they look around the room, over your shoulder, or at their watch, you’ve lost them. Stop. (Maybe they’re captivated by your topic, but they just need to make sure they’re not late to pick up the kids. That’s OK. You should still stop talking. If they want you to continue, you’ll get a very solid clue like, “Go on, what were you saying?”)

When people are interested in your topic, they should be asking questions, or contributing from their point of view. That’s great, it’s a sign that the conversation is flowing well.

Which of course, leads right back to the idea of eye contact. Part of the reason that the speaker periodically looks at the listener is to gauge if they’re still listening. If eye contact is tough for you, you can still look over at the forehead or eyebrows.

Finally, the basic rule is that the closer the relationship, the more intimate the details you share. So it’s probably OK to tell your mom about your latest bout with the flu, but for the office, “I’m feeling much better, thanks!” may be just right.

But Small Talk Is So Boring!

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Many individuals find small talk inane and dull. This may be especially true for individuals with Asperger’s or autism. So many of my coaching and therapy clients have told me that they don’t enjoy talking about sports, or the Oscars, or the weather. It’s true, if you hate sports, the Super Bowl seems both trivial and overly hyped. Even if you love movies, the Oscars are just a celebration that the stars throw to honor each other. And the weather? We can all see what the weather is like, talking about it doesn’t change it.

Some people take this to mean that small talk is unimportant, a waste of time, and not something worth participating in. I disagree. It’s true, small talk doesn’t fix any of the world’s big problems. Few important insights are generated. But, small talk does enable people to establish relationships. It’s a simple, low risk way to share something personal about yourself, without opening up too much. It might be something really simple, like the fact that you love the snow. Or something a bit more personal, like that you took your family skiing over the weekend. However much you share, you’ve given people a hook, a means to get to know you just a bit better.

Many autistic individuals complain about feeling lonely and isolated. Obviously, relationships are the key to combating this isolation. But, people don’t go from total strangers to best friends overnight. It’s a gradual process, from strangers, to acquaintances, to friends. That process starts with small talk. And it’s not just a conversation about the weather, it’s an entire nonverbal communication as well. How friendly is the other person? How positive? Is body language open? Is the flow of conversation appropriate? Is this a person I’d like to get to know better?

So, the next time everyone is standing around the coffee maker chatting, try to join in. You don’t have to be witty, or clever, or original, or even fake. Just attempt to be positive, curious, and friendly. You can admit that you’ve never watched American Idol, just try to be open about what the rest of the crowd finds so entertaining about it. You might just find that people are trying to be friendly to you, they just need a chance.

Types of Conversations

I spend a lot of time thinking about conversations. Frequently, when I’m coaching individuals with Asperger’s and autism we’re working on conversations and how to manage them. This can be tricky because conversations vary depending on the situation. Do you stick to the topic you started with or let it wander? What do you do with interruptions? How do you manage questions? All these concerns come down to one basic issue: What type of conversation is this? It can be helpful to think about this before starting to talk, and keep it in mind during the conversation.

The most formal conversation is a presentation. If you’re giving a presentation you know what material you want to cover. Visually, this is like a train track. Start at point A, get to points B, C, D, and E. Sometimes members of the audience will ask questions. You can visualize this as a train track, but people may get off and wander around at the various stations. It’s important to get back on topic after the question, much like you’d get back on the train.

Less formal conversations are things like job interviews. Everyone is probably seated, there is no written structure to the discussion, and the direction of the conversation is in the control of all the speakers. Don’t let this fool you into thinking that the conversation should go in any direction. In something like an interview or a discussion with your boss you should have some idea of what points you want to cover before you start speaking. The conversation may wander between those points, but you’ve got to be sure to bring the focus back so you cover your material. I picture this type of conversation as a loose string, pinned at certain points, and wandering between those points.

The least formal conversations are things like small talk, dating conversations, social chatting and hanging out. Although neurotypicals may find this type of conversation fun and effortless, some individuals on the autism spectrum and those with Asperger’s may find the unstructured nature difficult to manage. I picture this conversation with the scientific term "random walk" or "drunkard’s walk". The starting point is fixed, but after every statement the conversation can go in any direction and there’s no end point in mind. The key here is to let go of the control, pay attention to your partner’s inputs and move together. It’s almost like a verbal dance.

I’ll be going into more detail on managing these types of conversation in future posts, so please check back.

Attending the Dreaded Holiday Party

So you’ve decided. You can’t skip out on the holiday party at work; you have to go. Here are some tips to make a good impression and make the whole event as painless as possible. (If you haven’t decided if you’re going yet, check out my previous blog entry on what professionals with Asperger’s and autism, as well as those who just don’t enjoy socializing at work, should consider before decided to skip the holiday party.)

Do Some Prep Work

Find out the basics before the party. How formal is the event and what are people wearing? Are spouses expected to attend? How about kids? Is a meal being served? Ask your favorite coworkers, or check with the party planner if it’s not obvious from the invitation or announcement.

Plan Some Small Talk

Before the party, think about a few topics of conversation. You’ll want to know the basics of the major news stories. Even if you don’t bring them up, others may. Take a look at the lighter topics too. Sites like the Yahoo home page will give you the top news, sports and entertainment stories. Or, listen to popular radio on the drive to the office.

Watch the Time

It can be awkward to be the first to arrive at a party. But, you also don’t want to have the whole company waiting for you before the meal can be served. How late to show up depends on the length of the event. For a 90 minute lunch during the workday, just leave the office when everyone else does. For a Saturday dinner party, thirty minutes late is pretty standard, at least in the US. If a scheduled event is starting the evening, like a harbor cruise or some type of entertainment, find out when that occurs and aim to get there at that time.

Avoid Alcohol

Some people can easily manage a drink or two at a party. But if you’re reading this, chances are party socializing is not your strength. Stick to a club soda.

Topics to Avoid

Just because it’s a party doesn’t mean that the work rules are all suspended. Your coworkers may be more relaxed than usual or even a bit drunk. (Or maybe a lot!) Still, avoid criticizing anyone, gossiping, and anything that might be offensive to others, like sexual harassment, any off color humor, or controversial discussions.

This is also the time that discussions about your work projects may not be appropriate. Many neurotypicals like to socialize and unwind at a party. Your discussion of the latest experiment may be considered rude or dull. Save it for Monday.

Small Talk at the Party

Conversations at a party can be a bit different than those at the office. They may be more personal, with more joking and teasing. That doesn’t mean you need to initiate these styles of conversation, but you may get pulled into them. Just try to adapt and not be offended.

If you've brought a spouse, be sure to introduce and include him or her. Talk to your coworkers spouses too.

When Can You Leave?

If possible, try not to be the first to leave. But, you get most of the credit for just showing up. Once you’ve talked to the major players, namely your boss, other bosses you want to impress, and your employees, you can safely exit. Try to thank the party planners too!

There, you did it! I didn’t say it was going to be fun, but you’ve attended, socialized and you’re free till next year, or at least the January birthday event.

More Tips for Managing Small Talk in the Office

“How was your weekend?” This is another one of those questions that can really confuse professionals with Asperger’s, autism or just general difficulty in reading social signals. Of course, as always, everything depends on context. If it’s your therapist, the doctor in the emergency room, or your wife asking the question, chances are, they really do want to know the answer. But I’m not talking about situations like that, I’m referring to the guy standing at the coffee machine on Monday morning, saying, “So, good weekend?” 

This is one of those questions that is really a variation on, “How are you?” or “Good morning.” that neurotypicals like to use on Monday mornings. If you don’t feel talkative, you can probably just answer with, “Great, and yours?” Pause here, so you can hear their response. Then a cheerful, “Oh well, back to work!” should be enough to end the script.

But, this question is friendlier than “Good morning.” or “How are you?” so it’s also an opportunity, an invitation to connect. If you want to make friends, appear to be more approachable, or connect with coworkers, “ How was your weekend?” is your chance. You know that your coworkers are going to ask this question, so you can be prepared in advance. You don’t want a rote or practiced response, but you do want to think about your answer in advance. Have an interesting statement or two to throw into the discussion.

Remember, it’s small talk, so keep it light. Popular culture, weather, hobbies, family activities. These are all good topics. “My daughter had a great soccer game.”, “I was hoping to rake the leaves, but it rained so much.”, “I finally caught up on Grey’s Anatomy.”   It’s also a chance to bring up your special interests if you want to share them. “I went to the Star Trek convention.”, “I organized all my internet correspondence.” It’s easy to avoid topics you don’t want to share. Generally politics, religion, issues related to health or bodily functions can all get very intense and personal quickly. Use the topics with caution.

I think it can be easy to look down on small talk as useless and meaningless. But, at it’s best, small talk is about human beings trying to connect to each other.

More Tips for Managing Small Talk in the Office

Last week I talked about tip 1 if you want to play the small talk game: You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something. This week I’m moving on to my next tip:

2. Dealing With “How Are You?”

“How are you?” is an example of a social script that neurotypicals use all the time. Typically, it’s followed by, “Fine, thank you. And you?” That’s answered with “Fine, thanks.” Most of the time, there’s very little variation to this script, other than the slight modifications involving “great” “pretty good” “hangin’ in there” or for the particularly upbeat “fabulous!”

I think most people learn to follow this script at a young age, although it’s rarely used by kids to each other. But the question is, when do you follow the script, and when are you expected to actually answer the question?

Nonverbal cues give the answer. The problem is that the question can be either a greeting or a true request for information. As a greeting, it’s essentially the same as saying, “Hello.” The person who starts the script will often be walking toward you, and they won’t really slow much, or will even continue talking after asking the question. If you’re getting these signals that the answer is not of much interest, then it’s fine to just follow the script. If you don’t know the person other than to say thanks when they hand you the bag of groceries, the scripted answer is expected.

What are the signs that the questioner really cares about the answer? Well, he or she will often do one of these things:

• Attempt steady eye contact.
• State the question with more emphasis.
• State the question more slowly.
• Stop walking or slow down.
• Continue to sit silently after asking.

These are just some of the cues that a real answer is expected. Circumstances make a difference too. If you’re hobbling around on new crutches, just got back from a family funeral, or just won the lottery, the questioner may know that and be asking for greater detail.

In any case, you’re probably safe keeping the initial answer fairly short and positive. If your listener interrupts, looks away or over your shoulder, or even starts to walk again, these are signs the conversation has gone on long enough. And of course, your closer friends will want longer and more honest answers.

As I read blog posts and have conversations with people on the autism spectrum, I continually hear the question, “Why don’t neurotypicals just say what they mean?” It’s true, we don’t and I think I’ll feel embarrassingly shallow next time I ask, “How are you?”

Tips for Managing Small Talk at the Office

Frequently, adults with Asperger’s will complain about the inane, time consuming, yet somehow valued activity called small talk. Typical offices seem to allow and even require a certain amount of time to be set aside for this type of socializing, even though it’s unrelated to the actual work that needs to be done. I’ve seen many blog postings where people question its value, but it’s here to stay. For neurotypicals, it’s even enjoyable.

Of course, you can do whatever you want with regard to small talk. But, if you think you’re being somehow penalized at work for not participating in small talk, I’ll be posting  some tips to play the small talk game.

1. You Can Keep It Short, But Say Something

Let’s say you’re going to get a cup of coffee, and the pot is surrounded by coworkers rehashing the weekend game. You hate football, didn’t see the game, and have nothing to add to the conversation. It’s very logical to ignore the conversation, get your coffee and get back to work.

But, wait! Neurotypicals are trained from infancy to look for subtle clues to other’s feelings, and they can be very insecure. If you say nothing, they will start making all sorts of assumptions, usually assumptions that revolve around their own insecurities. Things like, “Why is that guy so unfriendly?” or, “Why does he hate me?” or even, “Does he know that I’m about to get laid off, and he’s not telling me?”

A better option? Just say, “Good morning!” in a pleasant tone, look at them and smile, and move on to your coffee. This is one of those situations where neurotypicals also use scripts to know what to say. If you have to cut through the group, add in a cheery sounding, “Excuse me.” That’s it. Your coworkers will probably think you’re friendly, but busy, and not even think any more about it.

Please check back here frequently, I’ll be posting more small talk tips.