Coach for Asperger's

Coping With Shyness - Guest Blogger Sylvia Meier, MFT

Today's post about dealing with shyness was written by my colleague Sylvia Meier, MFT. Sylvia has a private psychotherapy practice in Dublin, CA, and runs groups for single women who want to develop more social skills, and to start dating. You can learn more at her website.

Although shyness and Asperger's or autism are different, they have many issues and emotions in common. In both cases, it can be stressful or even nerve-racking to step out of your comfort zone and become more social. But, for many individuals, especially those who are feeling lonely, meeting friends, or even a romantic partner, can be their goal. I thought Sylvia's advice might be helpful for these people. 

Coping with Shyness, By Sylvia Meier, MFT

There is great pressure these days to be extroverted and bubbly.  It can be a painful experience to be introverted when you want to meet people to date.  Take a few risks out of your shell and meet new people. 

Being shy has its pluses.  Many shy people I know are excellent listeners, thoughtful and great companions.  Stretch yourself without losing your sense of self.  Create opportunities to meet new people.  Stay sure about who you are and meet a partner who loves your introspection. 

Some symptoms of anxiety in social situations:
-blushing
-heart pounding
-"butterflies" in the stomach
-strong feelings of uncertainty
-difficulty carrying on a conversation

This anxiety is sometimes brought on by:
-lack of confidence
-not feeling "good enough"
-negative thoughts
-fear of the unknown
-lack of practice in social situations
-previous experiences
-unresolved conflict or trauma

Learn to relax.  When you notice that your muscles are tightening, tension is building, loosen up.  Focus on breathing and letting go of tightness. 

Try meditation or yoga.  Think of a special place that is calming for you.  Remember that quiet beach you strolled on when you were on vacation?  Do you have a memory of a secret garden from childhood?  How about that waterfall during a spring hike in the mountains?  Whatever your special place is, go there daily for several minutes.   Anchor this spot in your mind so that you can access it during stressful, social situations.

Acknowledge your anxiety.  The physiological symptoms are real.  Shy people have to work hard to manage the physical stress caused from feeling nervous..  In the beginning, it may seem like you have no control.  With practice, in time, you can learn to manage the physical reactions.

If you've made a conscious effort and you're still struggling, therapy might be worth a try.  A good therapist can help you to work through any unresolved issues that are getting in the way.

Reading Faces

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

All of us, whether on the autism spectrum or not, could do a better job of reading each other’s emotions. One obvious way is to look at facial expressions. And the expert on facial expression is Dr. Paul Ekman, a psychologist and author who has devoted his career to understanding how humans in many cultures express emotions . Ekman spent 8 years developing a facial expression coding system and studying how we express common emotions like anger, fear, sadness, happiness, surprise and disgust. He’s worked with everyone from police departments to the Dalai Lama, and is one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people of 2009. The Fox TV show Lie to Me is based on Ekman’s work.

One of the most interesting things about Ekman’s work is that these skills can be learned. In “Emotions Revealed” Ekman uses detailed pictures of his daughter making tiny changes to her face, and explains how this results in vast differences in expression. This is backed up with news photos of people expressing the same emotions. Ekman explains how we can even generate emotions in ourselves just by moving our facial muscles. The back of the book gives a quiz on reading facial expressions, which Ekman suggests taking both before and after reading the book.

You can find more info on Paul Ekman, including extensive interviews with him, on his website.

But Small Talk Is So Boring!

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Many individuals find small talk inane and dull. This may be especially true for individuals with Asperger’s or autism. So many of my coaching and therapy clients have told me that they don’t enjoy talking about sports, or the Oscars, or the weather. It’s true, if you hate sports, the Super Bowl seems both trivial and overly hyped. Even if you love movies, the Oscars are just a celebration that the stars throw to honor each other. And the weather? We can all see what the weather is like, talking about it doesn’t change it.

Some people take this to mean that small talk is unimportant, a waste of time, and not something worth participating in. I disagree. It’s true, small talk doesn’t fix any of the world’s big problems. Few important insights are generated. But, small talk does enable people to establish relationships. It’s a simple, low risk way to share something personal about yourself, without opening up too much. It might be something really simple, like the fact that you love the snow. Or something a bit more personal, like that you took your family skiing over the weekend. However much you share, you’ve given people a hook, a means to get to know you just a bit better.

Many autistic individuals complain about feeling lonely and isolated. Obviously, relationships are the key to combating this isolation. But, people don’t go from total strangers to best friends overnight. It’s a gradual process, from strangers, to acquaintances, to friends. That process starts with small talk. And it’s not just a conversation about the weather, it’s an entire nonverbal communication as well. How friendly is the other person? How positive? Is body language open? Is the flow of conversation appropriate? Is this a person I’d like to get to know better?

So, the next time everyone is standing around the coffee maker chatting, try to join in. You don’t have to be witty, or clever, or original, or even fake. Just attempt to be positive, curious, and friendly. You can admit that you’ve never watched American Idol, just try to be open about what the rest of the crowd finds so entertaining about it. You might just find that people are trying to be friendly to you, they just need a chance.