Coach for Asperger's

Asperger’s, Autism, and Adult Women

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

For a long time, the autism media focus has been about young boys with Asperger’s and autism. But lately I’m noticing more of a focus on women with autism and Asperger’s. I’ve talked about women on the autism spectrum briefly, especially how tough it is to find information about how women and girls are impacted. Although the media stories or TV interviews may be poorly done, and the information can be misleading, I think this increasing media attention is a good thing because it can help bring down some of the stereotypes and raise awareness that autism and Asperger’s are not strictly about young males.

Glamour magazine, March 2009, ran a story “They’re Autistic - And They’re In Love” where they depicted Dave Hamrick and Lindsey Nebeker, who both have autism diagnoses. The story tends to play into the stereotypes, and doesn’t address much about the strengths that can come along with the diagnosis. But, it does tell about a positive relationship that seems to work for the couple. It also shows how adults can bypass all the limitations that medical professionals may predict about children. The article states that Hamrick’s parents were told he would never be able to work or live alone. Now he’s a college graduate who majored and works in meteorology.

America’s Next Top Model ran this season with a contestant, Heather Kuzmich, who says she was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 15. I don’t watch this show, so I don’t have much to say about it. You can find a truly dreadful You Tube interview with Kuzmich. She’s does a good job on the interview, but the interviewer seems so uninformed and uncomfortable about the topic of Asperger’s, it’s a bit difficult to watch.

Finally, everybody has probably heard about Mary McDonnell on Grey's Anatomy as Dr. Virginia Dixon, a cardiac surgeon with Asperger's. I’ve only seen one episode of this character, but I got some idea of how the character was depicted.  It’s a shame that the portrayal is so broad and the character doesn’t seem to be coping as well as one would expect of a person who made it through medical school. Still, it does present the idea that Asperger’s and autism are a part of a spectrum and some individuals with Asperger’s are extremely successful professionally.

The media has a long way to go in showing all the aspects of the autism spectrum. These depictions of women are certainly flawed, but they do raise the visibility of women with the condition. They also start to present a more balanced picture, that autism is not a condition that affects only male children, and that some individuals with autism or Asperger’s can be very successful. I look forward to the day that the interviewers ask these successful individuals about how Asperger’s or autism contributed to their success.

 

Asperger’s and Dating: Getting Started Later in Life

Note: Added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

For many adults, dating and finding a romantic partner are important goals, and this is true for those with Asperger’s and autism as well as those without. But often, those on the autism spectrum may have gotten off to a slower start on dating. The high school social scene, when many neurotypical teens first start dating, can be horribly complex and not open to anyone who doesn’t fit into the popular crowd’s most narrow definition of acceptable behavior. High schoolers on the autism spectrum may be quirky, or dealing with bullies, or just not ready to enter into an activity that is so socially complex. Then, after high school, it can be even more difficult because it seems like the rest of the world is so much more experienced with dating. The older you get without dating, the tougher it may seem to get started. But, the good news is, if you’re wanting to start dating, it’s never too late to begin. Below are some tips for how to start dating, even if you’re no longer anywhere close to high school age.

Of course, the first step in starting to date is to find a date. This is actually probably easier than you might imagine. Remember, you’re looking for a date, not a spouse. So you can settle for a person you enjoy talking to or spending time with, this doesn’t have to be that perfect ‘one’ person. Consider expanding your ideal criteria. Maybe you envision yourself only involved with an extremely attractive, or brilliant, or successful individual. But, if you’re only setting up a date here, you can relax your standards. Many people whom you’d never consider marrying can be lot of fun to talk to on a date. Who knows, you may even change your standards.

Meeting people gets easier all the time. If you struggle in more unstructured settings, like bookstores and coffee shops, it’s fine to go to practical meeting places, things like speed dating or the internet. There, you can be assured that the people you’re meeting are looking to meet others. If you’re inexperienced with dating, it’s probably best to avoid asking out coworkers, neighbors or people you’ll continue to see a lot of after the date. Misread social cues can mean a long term awkwardness with people you have to interact with well after the date.

Of course, safety is key. It you’re an individual who struggles with reading social signals, assume that you might have difficulty in determining if situations are safe. Have your date in a public, well lit place, make sure you bring a phone and a friend knows where you are. Don’t give out your address or too many personal details. Plan in advance about how long the date will be, and then stick to that plan. You don’t want to get carried away with a charming stranger. Finally, and most important, trust your instincts. If something feels off, listen to yourself.

Your first dating experiences are bound to be somewhat awkward. Relax, this doesn’t have to be a lifelong romance. See if you can just think of this date as a way to get more experience with dating.   You don’t have to share your lack of dating experience with the person you’re chatting with, just keep it light. Talk about things you have in common, and try to learn general things about your date, things like where they’re from, what they like about the place they’re currently living, interesting hobbies. Also, plan on keeping it short. An afternoon coffee date is a lot less pressure than a full night of dinner and a movie. If it’s easier, consider setting your first date up as an activity, like touring a museum, taking a hike, visiting the beach. These activities can also take a lot of pressure off carrying on a lengthy conversation.

Finally, try to have fun! Dating can be the way to meet a spouse, or find the love of your life. But it can also be a pleasant way to interact with another person, and enjoy a Saturday afternoon.

Support Services for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities: Transition Faire

Alameda County Public Health Department is hosting their Transition Information Faire for individuals with developmental disabilities on March 28, 2009 at the College of Alameda. This is an opportunity for any individual to learn about services from agencies that help individuals manage issues such as housing, employment, and self advocacy. Although the Faire is aimed primarily at young adults transitioning out of the school system, I’m told that many of these services are appropriate for older individuals, who are welcome to attend as well. The March 13, 2009 registration deadline has passed, but I’ve been told that  registrants can still apply.

Negotiating the maze of support services for disabled individuals can be an overwhelming task. It can require searching the internet, making numerous phone calls, waiting for responses and meticulous record keeping. Unfortunately, for individuals with Asperger’s, autism and other developmental disabilities, those who really need the services, these organizational skills may be especially difficult to manage. Events like this, with real people available to talk directly to the people they work with, can make it much easier to figure out the system.

You can access the brochure with information at the Alameda County Public Health Department website. (It’s under: Major Events and Activities: 2009 Transition Faire March 28, 2009 - School Registration Form.

Interview Tips for Adults with Asperger’s: It’s an Interview, Not a Therapy Session

I just read an interesting, entertaining list of 10 Way to Ruin a Job Interview, written by Liz Ryan. The article lists simple “don’ts, like: don’t grovel, don’t share too much.  At first the list may seem ridiculous. Does anyone really need to be told not to swear in an interview? But then I started remembering interviews I conducted when I was working as an engineer. So often, interview candidates did the very things on this list. And Liz Ryan is right, they made a bad first impression.

I think many of these “don’ts” fall into the category of “Don’t be too relaxed or too open.” Job interviews are stressful. Your interviewer is most likely a well meaning, kind individual, who wants to put you at ease, and wants to like you. That’s great, and if it helps you to relax and make your best impression, the interview will be that much better for both of you. But, don’t mistake an interview for what it is not. This is not a friendly chat, and it certainly isn’t a therapy session. Just because someone is open and cordial does not mean the interview rules have changed.

I remember many interview candidates sharing way too much. I’d ask why they were looking for a new position and I’d get an endless list of the things their boss did wrong and the company did wrong. Remember, the person interviewing you does not know you. Your future employer wants a capable individual who will be easy to work with. They have no way of knowing if your crazy boss is really crazy, or if the problem was with you. Don’t give your future employer any reason to question your ability to be a team player.

I also remember desperate job candidates. They’d tell me things like how hard they were working to find a job and how little success they were having. A comment like that would make me question why no one else wanted to hire this candidate. Are you more likely to walk into the deserted restaurant or the busy one? The busy one, of course! If you tell your interviewer that no one wants to hire you, you look like the empty restaurant.

Another way interview candidates shared too much was in telling me that they weren’t that interested in the job. Things like, they’d take the job as an emergency measure, but they really were looking for a job two levels up. Hiring and training a new employee is expensive and a lot of work. Nobody wants to go through that just to have the new hire be unhappy. If you can’t be enthusiastic, fake it, and if you can’t fake it, don’t bother interviewing.

If you’re looking for a new job, you’re probably feeling a great deal of stress, and that’s OK. Just share that stress with an appropriate person, like your friend, or a family member, or your therapist. Not your interviewer.