Coach for Asperger's

Moving Day!

Hi Readers,

Today is moving day. No, not my house, my website. And since my blog is a subdomain of my website that was effected too. And my email.

For those of you who couldn't find my blogs, they should be up and running as usual now. My website has been moved to new host, and the move should be invisible to you. But it you're having trouble, try to go to http://www.patriciarobinsonmft.com/ and leave off anything after the .com/ since some of the specific page addresses have changed. If you're trying to email me, it should be up today, but if I don't answer your message, please try again in a day or two.

Thanks for your patience! Who knew that being a therapist and coach would require me to use my engineering degrees?

More on Breathing

I've gotten mixed responses on my recent post about taking a breath. Some people say it doesn't work to relax them, others say they're not nervous. Of course, do whatever works for you.

However, if you'd like to try breathing to ground your emotions and feel more relaxed, I encourage you to explore the techniques I'm linking to here, in an article written by my colleague Toi Lynn Wyle. Toi Lynn is not only a psychotherapist and life coach, she's a yoga instructor as well, so she's an expert in this topic. I know everybody is different, but we all breathe. Under stress it can be easy to move up into our heads, and not remain grounded in the body. Breathing helps to connect us to our bodies. For those of us who weren't athletic as children, it can be very easy to be in the habit of living in our heads.

Take a breath.

When The Boss Has Asperger’s

Note: Added 4/11/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

A reader of this blog recently questioned, “How do I work successfully for a boss who has Asperger’s?” Of course, people with Asperger’s have always worked, frequently in positions of authority and power. What’s new is the public recognition that Asperger’s and autism exist; that the community doesn’t include just children, but adults as well; and that Asperger’s and autism bring strengths and abilities that management values. At the same time, people with Asperger’s and autism tend to be different than neurotypicals, especially in the ways they communicate and interact socially. (Neurotypicals are those without Asperger’s or autism.)

Let me start with a simple warning. Don’t assume that all engineers and scientists have Asperger’s or that all people with Asperger’s or autism are the same. These conditions are tough to diagnose, they have a wide range of characteristics, and individuals with the condition have varying strengths, abilities, and weaknesses. So, whether or not your boss has a formal Asperger’s diagnosis, or even if you’re just guessing about it, pay attention to the individual, and try to adapt your work to what your boss specifically wants.

That said, there are typical characteristics of individuals with Asperger’s. Many individuals with Asperger’s struggle with figuring out social situations, like how to manage small talk, or the subtleties of interpersonal hierarchies. Making and maintaining traditional eye contact can be uncomfortable or even overwhelming. There may be extreme sensitivities to things like perfume or fluorescent light. A person with Asperger’s may not organize things in the same way as coworkers. Many individuals with Asperger’s have a strong and intense knowledge and interest in some specific area, often the very area where you are both employed. Their knowledge level and speed of absorbing new material may be well beyond your abilities. Frequently, these individuals are straightforward and direct.

The social differences can be the most difficult for neurotypicals to deal with. We neurotypicals value small talk and what may seem like meaningless social interactions. Without them, we can start to question if there’s something wrong, if we’re missing something, or if the boss is unhappy with our performance. Eye contact comes into play here too. Neurotypicals expect eye contact, and it’s very subtly choreographed.  Without that typical interaction, we can feel ignored, misunderstood, or disrespected. But, it’s important to remember that the differences due to Asperger’s may mean that we’re reading a lot into a friendly situation.

Rather than speak for an individual with Asperger’s, I went to an expert. Joel Smith works as an IT supervisor for a government agency and he’s been diagnosed as being on the Asperger's/autism spectrum.   I posed the question to him about how best to work for a boss with Asperger’s, and got this response:

“I work best when people working for me will tell me in black and white terms what they need to do their job - I'll miss subtle hints,  I'd prefer someone to just come out and say what they are looking  for.  Similarly with interpersonal issues or conflicts among  subordinates - I need to know what is going on, and I might not "just pick up on it". I don't talk differently to upper management or subordinates - I  don't "translate" between the languages. I suspect a lot of autistic bosses got where they were not through social networking but rather through ability.  So don't feed them  bull about their area of expertise.”

Thanks for your question, and I hope this has been helpful to you in working productively with your boss. I’d love to get comments from other professionals with Asperger’s or autism about how you’d like to interact with neurotypical coworkers, bosses or employees. Please send me an email, list a trackback, or post a comment.

Anger Management

Please read my newest article, published in the November-December 2008 issue of Autism Asperger's Digest Magazine. It's called Anger Management: Step-by-Step Strategies for Parents of Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders. You don't have to be a parent to use these anger management strategies!

More Tips for Managing Small Talk in the Office

“How was your weekend?” This is another one of those questions that can really confuse professionals with Asperger’s, autism or just general difficulty in reading social signals. Of course, as always, everything depends on context. If it’s your therapist, the doctor in the emergency room, or your wife asking the question, chances are, they really do want to know the answer. But I’m not talking about situations like that, I’m referring to the guy standing at the coffee machine on Monday morning, saying, “So, good weekend?” 

This is one of those questions that is really a variation on, “How are you?” or “Good morning.” that neurotypicals like to use on Monday mornings. If you don’t feel talkative, you can probably just answer with, “Great, and yours?” Pause here, so you can hear their response. Then a cheerful, “Oh well, back to work!” should be enough to end the script.

But, this question is friendlier than “Good morning.” or “How are you?” so it’s also an opportunity, an invitation to connect. If you want to make friends, appear to be more approachable, or connect with coworkers, “ How was your weekend?” is your chance. You know that your coworkers are going to ask this question, so you can be prepared in advance. You don’t want a rote or practiced response, but you do want to think about your answer in advance. Have an interesting statement or two to throw into the discussion.

Remember, it’s small talk, so keep it light. Popular culture, weather, hobbies, family activities. These are all good topics. “My daughter had a great soccer game.”, “I was hoping to rake the leaves, but it rained so much.”, “I finally caught up on Grey’s Anatomy.”   It’s also a chance to bring up your special interests if you want to share them. “I went to the Star Trek convention.”, “I organized all my internet correspondence.” It’s easy to avoid topics you don’t want to share. Generally politics, religion, issues related to health or bodily functions can all get very intense and personal quickly. Use the topics with caution.

I think it can be easy to look down on small talk as useless and meaningless. But, at it’s best, small talk is about human beings trying to connect to each other.

Job Interview Tips for Adults with Asperger’s: Relax!

The economy is pretty shaky right now, and many businesses are making some changes. For some of my readers, that might mean a job interview, which can be especially stressful for those with Asperger’s and autism. This posting doesn’t cover everything involved in a job interview, just one simple tip. I’ll cover other areas in future posts.

The most important thing to do before going into an interview is to try to relax. We’re going to set up a relaxing “space” now, before the interview, so you can use it during the interview. Take a breath. Seriously, right now, as you read this, take a deep breath. Breathing is a way to calm yourself, move your chattering thoughts into the grounding influence of your body, and exist in the present moment. The more you can get into the habit of taking a deep, conscious breath, the more your body will connect it with slowing down and relaxing. Practicing a deep breath in a safe, calm environment will help you access those same calming feelings when you repeat the breath during your interview. It can be helpful to think a soothing phrase, like, "It’s OK.", "You’re fine.", or, "You can do this." (Keep the phrase short, positive and silent!)

As you think about and prepare for your interview, continue to practice the breathing technique. When you get stressed about what’s might go wrong, take a breath, "It’s OK." When you remember things that went wrong in past interviews, take a breath, calm yourself, and then figure out the lesson of that situation.

Your future employer expects you to breathe, so this calming technique is something you can use during the interview. As you walk into the interview room, take a breath. If you have a break during the interview,  remember to take a breath. Tell yourself, "You can do this." Of course you can.

ASAN Teen Group Online

Note: Added 11/3/10. This blog has moved! I'll be leaving the old blog up for a while, but updated posts will be on my new blog. For more info on this topic, as well as lots of book reviews, professional and personal resources for individuals of all ages with Asperger's, autism, ADHD and ASDs, please check my new blog, Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

ASAN, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, has begun to sponsor a new Yahoo group for teens on the autism spectrum. Participants can be self diagnosed, and they must be at least 13 years of age. This group is being moderated by ASAN adult members. You can get more information on this group from the Southwest Ohio chapter of ASAN's blog.

Because the group is for teens, I'm posting this notice on both my blogs, Coach for Asperger's and Social Skills for Kids, since I have teenage readers on both blogs.

I'm a big fan of this type of group. Many adults are wary of online interactions, and they think they're inferior to face to face communication. I don't think that's the case. Online is different, not necessarily inferior. Face to face friends are not always possible. Many kids on the autism spectrum are outcasts at school, maybe the only one with their diagnosis in the entire class or even grade level. These teens may not fit in with the other neighborhood kids, or with kids they meet on teams or in groups. Online communication can allow teens to feel connected to others who they may have a lot in common with. The online medium allows teens to filter out some really difficult and distracting social cues and still be a part of a community. It's tough to feel different, and this group will allow some teens to take an important social step.