Social Skills for Kids

Positive Parenting for Kids with Special Needs: Some Great Examples

I’m always looking for examples of positive parenting - parents who are champions of their kids, who look for their strengths and fight to make sure their teachers, doctors, and therapists are working from a strength-based place as well. A great example of positive parenting can be found in three interviews with mothers at the website for ADDitude magazine. (http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1998.html) With the Olympics capturing so much attention, it’s fitting that one interview is with swimmer Michael Phelp’s mother. The others are with the mother of Ty Pennington, of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and the third is with the mother of Danielle Fisher, the youngest person to climb all seven of the world’s tallest mountains. All these super-achievers have been diagnosed with ADHD.

ADDitude magazine and website, which focus on issues revolving around ADHD, is one of my favorite resources.  Both the magazine and the website are filled with informative articles on a variety of topics and I find that many are applicable for individuals dealing with issues revolving around the autistic spectrum as well as ADHD. This makes sense, since both kids with ADHD and kids with ASDs often struggle with the same concerns: social skills, depression, anxiety, school and organizational abilities. (One disclaimer, the website has lots of ads for ADHD medications. I’m not a medical doctor, and I’m not trained to prescribe or recommend medications or to tell people not to use them. In any case, whether or not your kids are using medications, the articles are practical and useful.)

What’s so inspiring about these interviews? First of all, the children went on to achieve impressive success not just in spite of their diagnoses, but in some ways because of them. The mothers seem to strike a balance between recognizing and dealing with their kids’ problem areas while at the same time highlighting their strengths. The mothers also exhibit the open-mindedness needed to keep trying out different solutions. I also loved the quote from Ty Pennington’s mother, “I was constantly getting calls from the principal’s office. I felt like the worst mother in the world.” Too often, I hear the parents I work with say the very same thing, and it can be so discouraging to feel blamed for your child’s difficulties.

It’s interesting to note that two of these individuals thrived in a very physical environment, one that really focused their high energy. (Something to keep this in mind next time your kid wants to spend hours watching TV or playing video games!)

Your child probably isn’t going to grow up to be an Olympic champion, a world record holder, or a TV celebrity, but these parenting examples can help any kids achieve their very best.

Movie About Social Skills for Teens: American Teen

As your child enters middle school, junior high, or high school, it can get especially difficult for you as a  parent to help with social skills. This can be a problem because older kids are dealing with a more complex social environment than they were when they were younger, and many kids who managed in the early school years really start to struggle as they get older.

One problem is that parents of older kids just aren’t as involved with the school as they used to be. There’s less of an opportunity to volunteer, your kids may no longer want parents around, the kids are coming from a larger geographic area, the school is bigger, there are multiple teachers who may not really know your teenager. For many reasons, it may seem as if you are sending your child off into unknown territory to manage academically and socially, and you can’t understand that world.

That’s why movies, books, or TV can be a useful communication tool for kids and parents. You can watch or read together, enter the same world together, and use that as a way to understand what your child goes through every day. From there, you can help your child figure out and manage all the subtle social things that go on at school every day.

One movie that’s very useful for this purpose is the 2008 Sundance film American Teen. American Teen is a documentary about the 2005 graduation class of tiny, rural Warsaw, Indiana. This film doesn’t tackle the larger issues that may be impacting many teens. There no talk of gangs or violence, and little mention of multicultural issues, drugs, and all the heavy problems facing today’s teens. Instead this film focuses on the same universal issues that teenagers have been dealing with for generations, namely friendships, young love, bullying, and pressure. Peer pressure, social pressure, academic and athletic pressure, pressure from parents, and maybe the biggest pressure of all, that universal concern about what’s going to happen after graduation.

As a first step, go watch this film with your son or daughter. It’s rated PG-13, and contains themes and language some parents may object to.  Kids-in-Mind, (http://www.kids-in-mind.com/a/americanteen.htm), a very useful movie rating website that ranks movies on a scale of 1 to 10 in three categories, Sex and Nudity, Violence and Gore, and Profanity, has given American Teen a score of 3-4-5. (If you’re not comfortable seeing this film with your kids, consider watching it yourself to get back in touch with those memories of high school pressures, cliques and the really cruel way kids can behave. But remember, your kids’ daily world at school would probably be rated at least a PG-13 as well.)

Many teens who struggle with social skills aren’t very skillful at analyzing the social landscape of their school. That’s one area where this movie can help.  All the standard high school stereotypes are represented here: the popular girl, the jock, the outcast, the prom king, the emotional girl. These may be stereotypes, but that doesn’t mean they’re not real, or that these kids don’t exist at your child’s school. It really eases basic social navigation if your child can figure out who plays these roles at his school. Then some of the “rules” become clearer, things like: just because a teen is popular doesn’t mean she’s nice, there’s a lot of pressure to date within your own clique, kids aren’t necessarily nice to their own friends. See if you can come up with your own list of some of the rules at your teenager’s school. How is the film school different from your teen's?

On a more advanced level, this film will allow your teen to view peers with a more balanced vision. At school, you really don’t know why somebody is treating you badly, because you can’t understand the other side of the story. Because this film shows what’s going on for many kids, your teen can get a different perspective. See if you can move beyond the broad strikes. Are the class winners under pressure too? Do bad things happen to them also? Is the outcast left out because he's a bad guy? Learning to view everyone as a full human being, with strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and failures, goes a long way toward developing more mature social skills.

One character in the film is a self proclaimed social outcast. He makes a real effort throughout the film to connect socially, especially with girls. Watching his awkward yet sincere attempts at relationships should give you and your teen plenty of material for discussion. What did he do well, and where did he fumble the situation? Are there times he wasn’t very attuned to his partner?

Finally, just use this film to empathize with your teen’s situation. It seems like everyone in the film is struggling and even the most popular kids are not having a great time. Everyone, even the school’s basketball god, has to deal with the same issues about moving on from high school. Your child spends hours every day dealing with the pressures of school. A few hours with this movie will help you remember what that's like.

Helping Your Child Have Great Play Dates: Who’s Coming Over?

Facilitating great play dates for kids who are struggling socially is a complex issue for parents. This post will only cover a small part of this topic, with additional ideas in later posts. It pays to begin at the beginning, so that’s what I’ll do here. The first issue is figuring out which child you’ll invite over for a play date. For many parents, that’s the toughest part.

For children and teens who are developing socially at a standard pace, parents may not have to get too involved with helping their children find friends. For kids who are struggling socially, parents are going to have to get involved. The more trouble your child is having, the more you as a parent will have to step in.

Kids struggle socially for a number of reasons, be it just their personality traits or due to an ASD, Asperger’s or ADHD diagnosis. For kids who don’t do well socially, I find that they have the best play and social interactions with other kids who are functioning socially at about the same ability level. At the same time, kids clearly need to have some interests in common in order to want to interact.

What does this mean in practical terms? Basically, if your child is delayed in social skills, he or she may not get the most out of  a play date with a socially advanced child from the same age group. Too often, the more developed child will either ignore the child with lesser social skills or take on a care-taking, parental role. The goal of the play date is to work on peer relations, and these two types of interactions don’t really count toward that. That doesn’t mean that the play date cannot be fun and useful. I think most social interactions can be, it’s just that they’re not really peer relations.

Having socially delayed kids play with younger children can be one solution, depending on circumstances. With too great an age gap between kids, differences like size, interests, intellectual or athletic abilities may prevent useful peer relations. A chess expert probably won’t want to watch Blue’s Clues on a play date.

That leaves the play date pool considerably smaller, so finding matches takes more work, and parents may need to get creative. Ideally, you’d look for another child of the same gender, same age, and same school, with a similar profile of intellectual and social abilities. That’s a tall order, so you’ll probably have to make some compromises, and enlist a bit of help in searching.

Good teachers and principals can be the best resources here. Talk to the adults at school about your desire to help your child find friends. See if they can introduce you to other parents who may have appropriate children for your child to meet.  Many principals meet with other school leaders on a regular basis, and they may be able to informally search out kids from other schools.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just meet the other parents for coffee, see if your kids sound compatible, and set up a meeting for both kids and parents at a park.

The other great resource for finding potential play dates is by attending support groups for families with your child’s particular diagnosis. You can find support groups online, through community agencies, Yahoo groups or meetups.com, and through national and local Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD websites. Often, professionals working with kids will be familiar with the support groups that may be appropriate. (For example, I list resources and support groups for ADHD and ASDs in the East Bay, California area on a page of my website.) At these support groups, don’t be afraid to directly ask other parents if they know of any kids looking for play dates.

All this may sound like a lot of work for parents, just to get a few kids to play together! In my view, it’s worth it. Strong friendships will help your children develop socially, keep them from feeling isolated and different, and will become more and more important as they grow up and less involved with their families. Spending the time now to set up play dates can really improve their quality of life, both now and in the future.

Readers, if you have other ideas for how to find play date partners for special needs children, please leave me a comment. I’d love your input!

Recommended Books for Asperger's, Autism, ADHD and Parenting

Please check out the new list on the side of my blog! I’ve added some favorite books on the topics of Asperger’s, Autism, ADHD, other special needs, and parenting in general. These are all books which I’ve read and enjoyed, that I think will be helpful to parents, and they’re books I recommend to my clients.

Parents of kids with special needs seem to be some of the most well read, well educated parents out there. I think in part it’s because the answer aren’t clear. No one has all the answers about what causes ADHD or Autistic Spectrum Disorders. No one knows the best treatments and what will help any particular child. But there are some answers out there. Researchers, therapists,  doctors, parents, teens, and kids, are all writing about their knowledge, experiences and what’s worked for them.

I’d love to hear from you. What books did you find most useful? What books do you recommend to other parents? Is there something in one of these books that you didn’t find to be helpful? If you comment here, I’ll try to leave your recommended books in the comments sections. If I read it and find it helpful, I’ll add it to the recommended list. Thanks for your comments!

Michael Savage Blames Parents for Autism

I just watched a You Tube video of Michael Savage discussing autism and parenting, and felt I had to write something. Generally, I try to make this blog useful and practical, but not controversial or reactionary. Also, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, I didn’t listen to Michael Savage’s entire program, just a few out-of-context minutes. In any case, I don’t want to focus on negative energy from anyone, when so many people are working so hard to make the world a better place. Should I even comment about statements that seem so extreme, angry and unjustified?

But then I started thinking about the parents I’ve worked with, parents who read my blog or visit my web site, or parents who bring their children in to see me. Generally, whether the children have a diagnosis or not, the parents are doing the very best they can. When a child is struggling with some issue, I find that the parents are looking for answers, some way to make their child’s life better.

The autism community is filled with positive, educated, devoted parents. Of course, there are differences of opinion, sometimes extreme and even angry, on causes, treatments, even whether or not to attempt to “cure” autism. But behind it all is a general core idea that parents want their children to have happy and productive lives. Then someone like Michael Savage comes along and makes extreme and blaming comments. Should parents who are trying so hard to take care of their children have to deal with this sort of thing?

Psychology has a long and sad history of blaming parents, usually the mother, whenever a child is different. Just do some research on Freud’s theories of homosexuality, Bettelheim and Kanner on autism and Lidz on schizophrenia. These theories are discredited in professional circles, but they still jump up on occasion, like with Michael Savage’s statements.

I think this idea is most damaging to the parents of newly diagnosed children. These parents, usually struggling to determine the best treatment for their children, are often overwhelmed with the huge amount of information on autism, coupled with a very real lack of knowledge over what is the best treatment. The last thing they need is blame that they caused the issues or that they made the whole thing up.

One of my favorite psychological theorists is Donald Winnicott. He was a pediatrician in the middle of the 20th century, both well respected in the most elite psychoanalytic circles and, at the same time, able to  write in simple, accessible terms to actual parents. Winnicott wrote extensively about the idea of the “good enough mother”, which is the idea that children don’t need, in fact, don’t even do well, with a perfect parent who meets all their needs. Instead children need an attuned parent, one who is attempting to take care of them. I think this is an idea that is especially important to keep in mind when working with kids who are struggling, whether socially, academically, or emotionally. 

As difficult as this whole controversy can be, I think it can focus the entire autism community on Winnicott’s message. All children, autistic and neurotypical both, need caring, loving parents, not perfect parents.

The Importance of Play Dates

Play dates with other children are a key way for any child to improve social skills. Hanging out with adults, spending time with siblings, even structured, professionally led social skills groups are all great activities, but will not give your child the learning experiences that they’ll get from a simple play date at home with another child. All kids need to learn to get along with peers. Kids who are struggling with social skills, such as children with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD, or ADHD), autism, Asperger’s syndrome, or other Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) can struggle especially hard with social issues.

School can be an excellent opportunity for your child to spend time with other children, but your child needs more than just school-time socializing. At school there is only a limited number of other potential friends from which to choose. There may be intense and deeply entrenched cliques and social games, which can be just too tough for less sophisticated socializers to manage. Most of the school day is structured, which leaves little time for open, kid organized play. Finally, the recess and lunchtime activities tend to revolve around sports, especially for boys, so less athletic kids may be left out. All these factors mean that, while school can be a great  chance for socializing, it is not enough.

Brothers and sisters are also a useful chance for socializing, but again, not enough for children struggling with social skills. Family dynamics, birth order and gender roles, and parental influence will all mean that siblings play together in a way that’s different than interactions with other kids. If your child has special needs, the siblings have probably adapted to any unusual behavior, rigidity or stubbornness, or failure to read their social signals. The siblings will probably be both more adaptable and in other ways, less adaptable, than unrelated kids. In summary, siblings will always interact in different ways than unrelated kids.

Structured social skills groups can also be a useful activity where children can learn to make and be friends. Depending on the type of group, there may be an actual chance to play with other kids, or just a discussion about play. (For many reasons, which I’ll discuss in a later post, I find that social skills groups where kids play rather than talk about play are more useful for most kids, especially those on the autistic spectrum.) One real advantage is that the group has been designed so that it should include other kids who are excellent social matches for your child. The problem with social skills groups is cost, frequency, and availability. Even the longest groups tend to continue for only a matter of weeks or months. If kids are a good match, it’s wonderful to let them play with each other frequently and on an ongoing basis.

What about time with adults? Many children on the autistic spectrum, and those with ADHD, relate very well to adults. Adults can appreciate these kids’ more unusual interests, and will often overlook any unusual behaviors. Adults adapt to difficulties in attention, becoming more engaging to capture the attention of an inattentive child or soothe and calm a more hyperactive child. These relationships, whether with parents, other relatives, or adult friends are invaluable to kids who struggle socially, but they do not take the place of peer-aged friendships. Your child still needs to learn to deal with kids the same age, where the relationship is about shared activities and conversations, not catering specifically to your child’s needs.

What can your child learn from play dates with other kids? How to get along, make compromises, find that place where goofy can be fun, but not too odd, pay attention to other kid’s needs and interests, read social signals, have and be a good friend. In short, all the social skills they’re going to need as an adult.

Summer Social Skills

Now that school is getting out for the summer, your family’s schedule may be a lot more relaxed.  If your child has special needs, such as autism, Asperger’s disorder, ADHD or ADD, organizational and executive functioning issues, or problems with social skills, the school year may have been extremely high stress. It’s great to be able to enjoy this more unstructured time, spend more time together as a family and take it easy. Without the pressures of school and homework, now is also the perfect time to help your child improve social skills for the upcoming school year.

If your child has been struggling with friendships, the summer months can be a great time for unstructured playdates. Many outdoor activities, such as playing in the pool, riding bikes, playing with water balloons or kickballs, are less organized and subtle than more conversational, indoor games. These can be a great opportunity for your child to interact with peers and have fun too.

If your child struggles with basic athletic skills, such as swimming, bike riding, running or kicking, or even climbing on the monkey bars, the summer can be a time to work as a family to improve these abilities. Some kids really dislike sports, and have no interest in doing these types of activities, but school playgrounds do revolve around games. If your child can manage to participate, a new social avenue is opened. Kids who aren’t skilled at sports often don’t join in, and then their skills get even further behind. Playing as a family can remove the pressure that your child experiences in peer play.

For kids who have spent the school year struggling with organization, the summer is the chance to catch up and get ready for next September. Work together to remove all of last year’s papers and books. Clear the desk and drawers so you have room to work in a more organized setting next year. This may seem far removed from social skills, but remember that the faster and more efficiently your child can finish homework, the more time there is left for other activities.

Be sure to keep all these activities light and fun. Kids with special needs have worked hard all year, and so have their parents. You all deserve some time to enjoy each other.

Book Review: ADHD & Me, by Blake E. S. Taylor

ADHD & Me, written by Blake E. S. Taylor (2007, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA) is a memoir about growing up with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The author, currently a student at UC Berkeley, has a charming and very real voice throughout the book. Sometimes the book reads almost like a high school science report, which I think makes it more accessible for young readers. I recommend this book as something parents can read to help understand their own child with a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. More than a book for parents though, I think it’s a great read for kids trying to deal with their own diagnosis.

Because the book breaks down into chapters dealing with different issues, such as “being disorganized” or “being unpopular” it can be useful for kids dealing with all sorts of social, home, or school problems, whether it’s due to ADHD, autism and ASDs, Asperger’s syndrome, or non-diagnosed issues with executive functioning or reading social cues. For each chapter, the author begins by presenting an illustration from his own life, showing how the specific issue impacted him. He then moves into his own analysis of why this issue comes up. Each chapter ends with the author’s suggested solutions for how to deal with the issue. Because the author just recently graduated from high school, his ideas may be more realistic than those of adults who were in school years ago.

For children and their parents who are feeling mistreated by a world that doesn’t always accept those who are different, this book could be a great support. The author comes right out and discusses the ideas of being treated unfairly by peers in chapters such as “being bullied” and “being isolated” while at the same time looking at his own contribution to the problems. He’s also direct about discussing the negative attitudes he’s encountered from adults, in chapters such as “being discriminated against” and “being blamed”. There are empowering ideas here for kids who are struggling with the realities of dealing with both peers and adults.

The best part of the book is the final two chapters, “taking control” and “being gifted”.  In ADHD, as with any difference, there are strengths as well as difficulties. Too often children, parents, and teachers are focused on the issues and their solutions, and the gifts and advantages that come with that difference are overlooked. The author lists all the ways in which his ADHD diagnosis can be a benefit, such as creativity and high energy. Seeing this list in a published book may be just what a child needs to be able to take a fresh look at his or her own diagnosis.

Social Skills Basics: Should We Teach Eye Contact?

Eye contact can be a tricky issue for some people. When to look someone in the eye, when to look away, does lack of eye contact indicate unfriendliness, does eye contact that too lengthy indicate a threat? A lot gets expressed and read into a seemingly simple gesture. The confusion gets compounded by the fact that different cultures have different rules for eye contact, and the rules within families can be different than those for friends, acquaintances or strangers. What’s praised as “paying attention” for some cultures is then criticized in others as “not being respectful.” Many people struggle with reading social cues. For example, a recent study from Indiana University and Yale pointed out how frequently male and female students mistook friendliness for sexual interest and vice versa. (See http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news/page/normal/7883.html for a brief article on the study.)

Kids with social skills issues, such as those with autistic spectrum disorders, Asperger’s Syndrome, and some kids with ADHD are frequently instructed in the “rules” about eye contact. As a therapist, I think it’s important to use great care with this issue. There are reasons the neurotypical world uses eye contact: as an indication of openness, interest, paying attention, as well as to convey less friendly messages such as boredom or dominance. At the same time, there are plenty of good reasons why an individual may not be comfortable using the standard rules of eye contact. Just go online and read some of the blogs from adults with Asperger’s syndrome and you’ll find great discussions about how eye contact can feel threatening, distracting, or overwhelming.

For parents who aren’t sure what to do for their kids, I think the individual approach is best. Try talking to your child about it. See if you can figure out together if there are any problems due to eye contact or the lack of eye contact. Then it can be easier to come up with solutions. If your child can’t figure out when others have lost interest in his conversation, then learning to do an eye contact check-in may suddenly seem worthwhile, instead of an arbitrary rule made up by the neurotypical world. If your child is concerned with making friends but overwhelmed with the intimacy of eye contact, then learning to fake it may make sense. Practicing for a job interview or date may motivate some people.

Th real key is that the focus, for this and any other social skill, should be finding solutions to problems and issues, not on teaching children complicated sets of rules for how to act like everybody else.

DIR® Floortime™ Conference

I’ve been very busy this week because I’m “attending” an online conference. It’s the basic course on DIR® and Floortime™ therapy from Dr. Stanley Greenspan. He talks about autism, Asperger’s, sensory integration issues, auditory processing and a range of learning issues, and his model for treating these children. The course consists of about 15 hours of video tapes from a conference where Dr. Greenspan presented in 2005.

The best part is the many videotaped segments of Dr. Greenspan coaching parents as they try to do Floortime™ with their own children. He’s got a varied group of children on the autistic spectrum, from very young babies to school age kids, and the parents range from gifted to skeptical. With this online format, it’s possible to watch these tapes over and over, because there is a lot going on in these segments.

Dr. Greenspan admits that the tapes are showing the best moments of these interactions, but even so, they are impressive. The children’s affect, interaction, and relating, in other words: social skills, feel so genuine and natural. I love to see the parents involved and empowered.

This conference is still open to those who are interested. Both parents and professionals are taking it. Check out http://stanleygreenspan.com/iec/content/iec-conference-online if you’re interested.